Self-abandonment much? How to stop.

Welcome back to the Vets Against Insanity blog, where we share our greatest advice learned in the trenches on how to thrive in this crazy game we call life. This blog is about overcoming self abandoning tendencies, something that many many humans do unconsciously every day.

This blog is a follow up to a blog we posted last year titled "Embrace the Glorious Mess You Are and Set Boundaries Like a MOFO". If you haven't read that post, I suggest you go there first, read it, and then return for the tea, because we've got lots to spill.

Hey I have secrets to tell you about self-abandonment.

DID YOU KNOW...

👉Your most important asset is you.

👉Your greatest project is you.

👉Your most important relationship is with yourself.

👉If you heal the relationship with yourself, then all other relationships will heal as well.

Actually, let me rephrase that: if you heal the relationship you have with yourself, then all other relationships will level up or they will level out because you have changed.

It can be really tough to heal the relationship you have with yourself if you are in the habit of abandoning yourself. If you aren't sure if you abandon yourself then go here and read this blog before reading further.

Don't worry. We can wait.

Got it figured out?

If you do abandon yourself regularly, the following is a list of stuff that can help.

Give Yourself Permission to Have Needs and Feelings

Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings and needs. Despite potentially being stifled in childhood or even in some adult relationships, you can now create a safe space for your own emotions and requirements. Listening to your feelings guides you toward understanding your needs, and meeting these needs fosters a happier and healthier state of being.

Start by practicing the recognition of your feelings throughout your day. If you don't know where to start you can use this list of feeling words.

Then, ask yourself, I'm feeling ___________. Why am I feeling this way? What do I think I need right now? What would help?"

The goal is to remain present with your challenging emotions rather than abandoning yourself when they become overwhelming.

Appreciate Yourself

Embrace your creativity, quirks, and individuality. Resist the urge to conceal or cancel aspects of yourself because you are afraid of disapproval or judgment from others. Remember that judgment is just a self-defense strategy that small minds use. Reassure yourself that it's okay if not everyone likes you. Do your best to be brave and refrain from shrinking or altering yourself to please others.

Express your true self through your work, creative endeavors, style, hobbies, interests, and passion projects. Maybe you have abandoned yourself so much that you don't even know what those are. If that is true don't feel bad - I've been there. I abandoned all the things that made me uniquely Sarah to serve my family and my profession. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then I realized I wasn't connected to myself - my dreams, passions, interests, etc. anymore.

If you feel disconnected from your authentic self, invest time in rediscovering what brings you joy and what holds significance for you. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT feel guilty about it. Several years ago I went to therapy (I know...you aren't surprised. I talk about therapy all the time lol) and I was so messed up that I felt guilty that I was taking time and money to take care of myself. I also felt guilty and couldn't relax during the sessions because I thought I should be making money or cleaning something or being productive. However what can really help is working with a compassionate therapist who can help you give yourself a voice.

Be Compassionate to Yourself

Extend compassion to yourself. Every individual deserves care and solace during times of distress. While we often excel at providing this for others, we frequently downplay our own struggles and neglect self-love when we need it most.

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. After all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect? ~Kristen Neff, PhD

Many of us weren't taught the importance of self-compassion in childhood, so as adults, we must cultivate these skills ourselves. If compassion from your parents was lacking, this might feel unfamiliar, but with practice, it becomes more natural.

The fundamental principles of self-compassion include:

• Recognizing when you're struggling.

• Acknowledging that everyone experiences suffering, difficulties, and mistakes.

• Maintaining mindful awareness of negative emotions without judgment.

If this sounds too complicated just treat yourself as you would a child who is hurting or a best friend who is healing from surgery. Or work with a therapist.

Advocate for Yourself

Lastly, you are your greatest advocate. No more victim mindset!! Asserting your needs and setting boundaries is crucial for self-love and trust, despite the fear of offending or angering others.

Allowing others to disregard your boundaries is a form of self-abandonment, indicating that their needs hold more weight than your own. We've already talked about this. It's time to speak up for yourself.

In the privacy of your heart, always take your own side.~Tina Gilbertson

Action Step

• How will you prioritize yourself?

• How will you act in alignment with your values, even if others disapprove? How will you manage yourself if/when they are disapproving of you?

• How will you comfort yourself during difficult times?

• How will you set boundaries without guilt?

Pick one thing that you can do to better care for yourself, especially during difficult situations.

Practice this one small thing daily until it becomes second nature.

Don't accidentally spend your entire life making sure everybody else feels comfortable. I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss the chance to truly be me, love me, and feel comfortable within myself. I hope the same for you.

Healing from self-abandonment is a journey of small steps that string together until one day, you realize how valuable you are....you amazing, brilliant beast of a human. Gawd, look at you. 🤩 You are gorgeous. 😍

And, as always, if this stuff seems unreachable, get help. Don't go it alone. And please, please take care of yourself.

All our slightly scandalous love to you,

Sarah J. Wooten, DVM, CVJ and the Vets Against Insanity Crew 😆