Embrace the Glorious Mess You Are and Set Boundaries Like a MOFO: A Holiday Chat about Self-Abandonment

Do you struggle with trusting yourself? Do you hide aspects of who you are to blend in? Do you let other people trample all over your boundaries, or do you disregard your feelings in order to please others?

You could be exhibiting self-abandonment.

Self-abandonment happens when we fail to appreciate ourselves, neglect our own needs, and are super harsh on ourselves.

Why are we talking about this at the beginning of December, you might ask?

Welll....because Christmas time (or whatever holiday you celebrate) is actually a time when humans, especially women, tend to abandon themselves the most.

Think about it.

How many parties are you going to attend even though you are exhausted and really just want to rest?

How many times are you going to bite your lip to 'keep the peace' with relatives?

How many extra clients are you going to squeeze into the day because they allllll need you?

How many extra shifts are you going to pick up to pay for holiday expenses?

How many times are you going to run yourself ragged this month because it is what you are 'supposed to do'?

Consider this post a gentle reminder to not abandon your needs this month or sacrifice yourself on the on the yule tide altar of productivity. 🎄

Big-hearted, empathetic veterinary professionals are at risk of self-abandonment because we often see everybody else's needs as more important than our own, but this mindset will get you burnt out, pissed off, and probably sick. The stress of self abandonment can also chronically spike cortisol, which can lead to hair loss, menstrual cycle issues, and weight gain. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

What does Self-Abandonment Look Like?

Let's talk about some of the possible signs of self-abandonment.

Ignoring Your Personal Needs

People who self-abandon may consistently ignore their own physical, emotional, and psychological needs because we don't think they are valid. This can include neglecting basic self care activities, such as proper nutrition, sleep, or exercise.

Lack of Boundaries

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a crucial part of self care. People who self-abandon may struggle to assert themselves, leading to difficulties in setting and enforcing boundaries in relationships, with work, or in others areas of life.

This includes maladaptive empathy - when you feel other people's feelings so hard it submerges your own self interests.

If you don't have boundaries around your empathy and compassion, you will likely self abandon, losing yourself in the interests, wants, needs, perspectives, and emotions of others.

You'll feel like you don't matter.

That will likely lead to resentment...because you've over given.

Sometimes, a person over-empathize with others (like our suffering clients) because they want so badly to give others something they have never received.

But in doing so, we hurt ourselves.

Learn to use empathy strategically (this blog does a great job of explaining how to do this), don't let empathy use you.

Suppressing Your Emotions

Self-abandonment often involves suppressing or dismissing your own emotions, aka masking. You may minimize your feelings, avoid expressing your emotions, or prioritize the emotions of other people over your own. In doing so, you lose touch with yourself.

People-Pleasing

People pleasing may involve prioritizing the desires and expectations of other people over your own needs, desires, or values. People who self-abandon may go to great lengths to please others, even at the expense of their own well-being. This can look like overcommitting to work, relationships, or social obligations without considering your own personal limits.

As a recovering people pleaser, I think when you are transitioning from being a people pleaser to someone who has boundaries feels super weird. Because you are so used to only thinking about others, it's hard to tell if you are being mean or if you're just listening to your own feelings. Be firm, be consistent, be kind, and people around you may complain, but ultimately they will either adapt or leave, and you have to believe me, both are ok.

Please stop trying to make everyone happy. You are not a hooker.

Perfectionism

Maladaptive perfectionism is setting the bar so high that no human could ever reach it, including you. When you don't perform to your unreasonably high expectations of yourself, then you berate yourself. It's a super rude way to treat yourself, and should be considered a form of self-abandonment AND self sabotage.

Feeling Unworthy

People who are mired in self-abandonment often struggle with feelings of unworthiness. They may believe that their needs and desires are not as important as the needs and desires of others.

Not Trusting Yourself

This looks like second-guessing yourself, overthinking, ruminating past decisions, decision paralysis, and letting others decide because you think they know more than you do.

Not Speaking Up for Yourself

Self abandonment can look like not asking for what you need, letting others take advantage of you, or not asking for help because you don't want to 'bother' other people.

If any of this looks familiar don't beat yourself up. Take a deep breath. Now take another. Empowerment starts with awareness - you can't change unless you know something is wrong.

What causes Self-Abandonment?

The roots of self-abandonment often go wayyyyyy back to childhood. What often happened is that caregivers or other influential figures failed to fulfill your emotional and/or physical needs, leaving you feeling undeserving and unloved.

As adults, we frequently perpetuate these patterns simply because they are familiar. We choose partners and friends who mistreat, exploit, or fail to support us—reflecting the treatment we received as children. This cycle extends inward, as we struggle to support ourselves. The absence of genuine support during childhood leaves us ill-equipped to be there for ourselves in adulthood.

Self-abandonment is a learned response, a survival tactic in the face of unhealthy family dynamics. Children rely on adults for emotional and physical care. Yet, in unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive environments, self-concealment becomes a necessity. We adapt, molding ourselves to fit whatever role maintains harmony and shields us from harm. Suppression of our needs and emotions becomes routine, as we internalize the belief that our worth hinges on achievements or actions, perpetually feeling inadequate and undeserving of love.

This pattern of self-abandonment can fuel anxiety, depression, and a sense of inadequacy, often leading to unfulfilling relationships, careers, and failure to reach our potential. While self-abandonment may have served you as a survival mechanism in childhood, it no longer serves you as an adult.

Action Step

• How will you prioritize yourself?

• How will you act in alignment with your values, even if others disapprove? How will you feel ok when they are disapproving of you?

• How will you comfort yourself during difficult times?

• How will you set boundaries without guilt?

Pick one thing that you can do to better care for yourself, especially during difficult situations.

Practice this one small thing daily until it becomes second nature.

And, as always, if this stuff seems unreachable, get help. Don't go it alone. And please, please take care of yourself, especially during the holidays.

ALSO if you would like more tips on stopping self-abandonment dead in it's tracks, check out our follow-up blog post.

All our slightly scandalous love to you,

Sarah J. Wooten, DVM, CVJ and the Vets Against Insanity Crew 😆

PS there is still time to get VAI games for your holiday parties, but you gotta hurry! Click the pic to shop, and happy gaming! 😆