Do you struggle with trusting yourself? Do you hide aspects of who you are to blend in? Do you let other people trample all over your boundaries, or do you disregard your feelings in order to please others?
You could be exhibiting self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment happens when we fail to appreciate ourselves, neglect our own needs, and are super harsh on ourselves.
Why are we talking about this at the beginning of December, you might ask?
Welll....because Christmas time (or whatever holiday you celebrate) is actually a time when humans, especially women, tend to abandon themselves the most.
Think about it.
How many parties are you going to attend even though you are exhausted and really just want to rest?
How many times are you going to bite your lip to 'keep the peace' with relatives?
How many extra clients are you going to squeeze into the day because they allllll need you?
How many extra shifts are you going to pick up to pay for holiday expenses?
How many times are you going to run yourself ragged this month because it is what you are 'supposed to do'?
Consider this post a gentle reminder to not abandon your needs this month or sacrifice yourself on the on the yule tide altar of productivity. 🎄
Big-hearted, empathetic veterinary professionals are at risk of self-abandonment because we often see everybody else's needs as more important than our own, but this mindset will get you burnt out, pissed off, and probably sick. The stress of self abandonment can also chronically spike cortisol, which can lead to hair loss, menstrual cycle issues, and weight gain. Ain't nobody got time for that.
What does Self-Abandonment Look Like?
Let's talk about some of the possible signs of self-abandonment.
Ignoring Your Personal Needs
People who self-abandon may consistently ignore their own physical, emotional, and psychological needs because we don't think they are valid. This can include neglecting basic self care activities, such as proper nutrition, sleep, or exercise.
Lack of Boundaries
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a crucial part of self care. People who self-abandon may struggle to assert themselves, leading to difficulties in setting and enforcing boundaries in relationships, with work, or in others areas of life.
This includes maladaptive empathy - when you feel other people's feelings so hard it submerges your own self interests.
If you don't have boundaries around your empathy and compassion, you will likely self abandon, losing yourself in the interests, wants, needs, perspectives, and emotions of others.
You'll feel like you don't matter.
That will likely lead to resentment...because you've over given.
Sometimes, a person over-empathize with others (like our suffering clients) because they want so badly to give others something they have never received.
But in doing so, we hurt ourselves.
Learn to use empathy strategically (this blog does a great job of explaining how to do this), don't let empathy use you.
Suppressing Your Emotions
Self-abandonment often involves suppressing or dismissing your own emotions, aka masking. You may minimize your feelings, avoid expressing your emotions, or prioritize the emotions of other people over your own. In doing so, you lose touch with yourself.
People-Pleasing
People pleasing may involve prioritizing the desires and expectations of other people over your own needs, desires, or values. People who self-abandon may go to great lengths to please others, even at the expense of their own well-being. This can look like overcommitting to work, relationships, or social obligations without considering your own personal limits.
As a recovering people pleaser, I think when you are transitioning from being a people pleaser to someone who has boundaries feels super weird. Because you are so used to only thinking about others, it's hard to tell if you are being mean or if you're just listening to your own feelings. Be firm, be consistent, be kind, and people around you may complain, but ultimately they will either adapt or leave, and you have to believe me, both are ok.
Please stop trying to make everyone happy. You are not a hooker.
Perfectionism
Maladaptive perfectionism is setting the bar so high that no human could ever reach it, including you. When you don't perform to your unreasonably high expectations of yourself, then you berate yourself. It's a super rude way to treat yourself, and should be considered a form of self-abandonment AND self sabotage.
Feeling Unworthy
People who are mired in self-abandonment often struggle with feelings of unworthiness. They may believe that their needs and desires are not as important as the needs and desires of others.
Not Trusting Yourself
This looks like second-guessing yourself, overthinking, ruminating past decisions, decision paralysis, and letting others decide because you think they know more than you do.
Not Speaking Up for Yourself
Self abandonment can look like not asking for what you need, letting others take advantage of you, or not asking for help because you don't want to 'bother' other people.
If any of this looks familiar don't beat yourself up. Take a deep breath. Now take another. Empowerment starts with awareness - you can't change unless you know something is wrong.
What causes Self-Abandonment?
The roots of self-abandonment often go wayyyyyy back to childhood. What often happened is that caregivers or other influential figures failed to fulfill your emotional and/or physical needs, leaving you feeling undeserving and unloved.
As adults, we frequently perpetuate these patterns simply because they are familiar. We choose partners and friends who mistreat, exploit, or fail to support us—reflecting the treatment we received as children. This cycle extends inward, as we struggle to support ourselves. The absence of genuine support during childhood leaves us ill-equipped to be there for ourselves in adulthood.
Self-abandonment is a learned response, a survival tactic in the face of unhealthy family dynamics. Children rely on adults for emotional and physical care. Yet, in unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive environments, self-concealment becomes a necessity. We adapt, molding ourselves to fit whatever role maintains harmony and shields us from harm. Suppression of our needs and emotions becomes routine, as we internalize the belief that our worth hinges on achievements or actions, perpetually feeling inadequate and undeserving of love.
This pattern of self-abandonment can fuel anxiety, depression, and a sense of inadequacy, often leading to unfulfilling relationships, careers, and failure to reach our potential. While self-abandonment may have served you as a survival mechanism in childhood, it no longer serves you as an adult.
How NOT to Abandon Yourself
Your most important asset is you.
Your greatest project is you.
Your most important relationship is with yourself.
Therefore, your relationship with you is the one that needs the most attention. If you heal the relationship with yourself, then all other relationships will heal as well.
Actually, let me rephrase that: if you heal the relationship you have with yourself, then all other relationships will level up and heal or they will end because you will no longer tolerate toxicity.
The following is a list of stuff that can help, but what can really help is working with a compassionate therapist who can help you give yourself a voice.
Give Yourself Permission to Have Needs and Feelings
Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings and needs. Despite potentially being stifled in childhood or even in some adult relationships, you can now create a safe space for your own emotions and requirements. Listening to your feelings guides you toward understanding your needs, and meeting these needs fosters a happier and healthier state of being.
Start by practicing the recognition of your feelings throughout your day. If you don't know where to start you can use this list of feeling words.
Then, ask yourself, I'm feeling ___________. Why am I feeling this way? What do I think I need right now? What would help?"
The goal is to remain present with your challenging emotions rather than abandoning yourself when they become overwhelming.
Appreciate Yourself
Embrace your creativity, quirks, and individuality. Resist the urge to conceal or cancel aspects of yourself because you are afraid of disapproval or judgment from others. Remember that judgment is just a self-defense strategy that small minds use. Reassure yourself that it's okay if not everyone likes you. Do your best to be brave and refrain from shrinking or altering yourself to please others.
Express your true self through your work, creative endeavors, style, hobbies, interests, and passion projects. Maybe you have abandoned yourself so much that you don't even know what those are. If that is true don't feel bad - I've been there. I abandoned all the things that made me uniquely Sarah to serve my family and my profession. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then I realized I wasn't connected to myself - my dreams, passions, interests, etc. anymore.
If you feel disconnected from your authentic self, invest time in rediscovering what brings you joy and what holds significance for you. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT feel guilty about it. Several years ago I went to therapy (I know...you aren't surprised. I talk about therapy all the time lol) and I was so messed up that I felt guilty that I was taking time and money to take care of myself. I also felt guilty and couldn't relax during the sessions because I thought I should be making money or cleaning something or being productive.
I was really fucked up, friends, and I had no idea. I share that in hopes that if you are feeling disconnected from yourself, you are not alone, and it is totally, 100% fixable.
Be Compassionate to Yourself
Extend compassion to yourself. Every individual deserves care and solace during times of distress. While we often excel at providing this for others, we frequently downplay our own struggles and neglect self-love when we need it most.
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. After all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect? ~Kristen Neff, PhD
Many of us weren't taught the importance of self-compassion in childhood, so as adults, we must cultivate these skills ourselves. If compassion from your parents was lacking, this might feel unfamiliar, but with practice, it becomes more natural.
The fundamental principles of self-compassion include:
Recognizing when you're struggling.
Acknowledging that everyone experiences suffering, difficulties, and mistakes.
Maintaining mindful awareness of negative emotions without judgment.
If this sounds too complicated just treat yourself as you would a child who is hurting or a best friend who is healing from surgery. Or work with a therapist.
Advocate for Yourself
Lastly, you are your greatest advocate. No more victim mindset!! Asserting your needs and setting boundaries is crucial for self-love and trust, despite the fear of offending or angering others.
Allowing others to disregard your boundaries is a form of self-abandonment, indicating that their needs hold more weight than your own. We've already talked about this. It's time to speak up for yourself.
In the privacy of your heart, always take your own side.~Tina Gilbertson
Action Step
How will you prioritize yourself?
How will you act in alignment with your values, even if others disapprove? How will you feel ok when they are disapproving of you?
How will you comfort yourself during difficult times?
How will you set boundaries without guilt?
Pick one thing that you can do to better care for yourself, especially during difficult situations.
Practice this one small thing daily until it becomes second nature.
Don't accidentally spend your entire life making sure everybody else feels comfortable. I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss the chance to truly be me, love me, and feel comfortable within myself. I hope the same for you.
Healing from self-abandonment is a journey of small steps that string together until one day, you realize how valuable you are....you amazing, brilliant beast of a human. Gawd, look at you. 🤩 You are gorgeous. 😍
And, as always, if this stuff seems unreachable, get help. Don't go it alone. And please, please take care of yourself, especially during the holidays.
All our slightly scandalous love to you,
Sarah J. Wooten, DVM, CVJ and the Vets Against Insanity Crew 😆
PS there is still time to get VAI games for your holiday parties, but you gotta hurry! Click the pic to shop, and happy gaming! 😆
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