Happy mid-July veterinary friends!
I hope you are enjoying your summer, finding all the foxtails, and getting some time to rest.
In these blogs I talk a lot about using self compassion to improve mental and emotional health.
If you don't know, self-compassion is an ability to turn empathy, acceptance, love, and understanding inward - toward yourself.
Most of us are good at extending compassion to other people who are suffering, but find it difficult to give ourselves the same compassion, especially when we fuck up. We often see it as self-indulgent, selfish, silly, and a waste of time. We would rather 'act tough' and 'muscle through' whatever suffering we are experiencing than take the time to care for ourselves.
Why do we do that????
The Harsh Inner Critic 😱
One reason (according to my therapist) could be the voice of the harsh inner critic. Most veterinary professionals I have spoken to hear or have heard an inner voice, constantly criticizing, belittling, and judging their every move. The voice has many names - harsh inner critic, psychic saboteur, inner judge, superego, negative self-talk, my inner jerkface, automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) etc. it doesn't matter what you call it, it's there, and it can be a relentless, damaging force that is never satisfied, no matter how much you achieve.
The amount you listen to this voice deeply affects your mental wellbeing, your ability to bounce back from setbacks, and your willingness to take risks and try new things.
Most mental health professionals agree that the source of this voice is someone from your childhood. When we are children, we don't have a concept of who we are in relation to the world. Therefore, we internalize the opinions of our formative caregivers about ourselves as our own opinions.
If your caregiver thought you were 'too much' or 'selfish' or 'bad' or 'stupid' and you struggle with a harsh inner voice today, then there is a high likelihood you internalized those 'you are' statements and transformed them into an inner monologue that starts with 'I am fillintheblanknegativeattribute'.
But that's not all.
We also internalize our parents' beliefs about themselves and turn those into subconscious beliefs about ourselves. For example, if your mother constantly broadcasted statements about poverty, then you likely hold some unhealthy thoughts about money and may find yourself thinking or saying things like 'I shouldn't buy nice things or experiences for myself' or 'I never have enough' or 'I'm bad with money.'
Another theory relates to the harsh inner critic to your primal midbrain - the part of your brain that is concerned with survival.
The voice continually flagellates you in order to 'protect' you...a left-over-from childhood maladaptive survival mechanism that is running amok in the background and ruining your mental wellbeing.
Lotttttssss of stuff to unpack in the above paragraphs. If you need to take a moment to process what you just read or reread it again, please go ahead. I'll wait.
Different Types of Harsh Inner Critics
The inner critical voice can take several forms:
The Slave Driver relentless pushes you forward, refusing to allow you to rest, in fear that you will fail, become lazy, or fall behind. It helps you 'survive' by pushing you to produce.
The People Pleaser fears rejection and abandonment and puts you in a predefined box so that you will 'fit in' with your family, culture, or workplace. It helps you 'survive' by avoiding rejection from your 'tribe'.
The Guilt Tripper helps you 'survive' by constantly reminds you of past failings so that you don't mess up again.
The Under Miner helps you 'survive' by scaring you with the potential of failure in order to keep you small and avoid risks, undermining your confidence and making you feel like an imposter.
The Demolisher helps you 'survive' by destroying your sense of self worth, telling you that you are unworthy of respect and understanding.
The Controller helps you 'survive' by berating you about choices you make surrounding money, sex, food, etc.
The Perfectionist helps you 'survive' by setting ridiculously high standards that you can never reach or making it impossible for you to finish anything because it is never perfect enough.
Any of those sound familiar?
Silencing the Harsh Inner Critic
One of the reasons that self compassion could be hard for you is that the harsh inner critic thinks you are supposed to be different than exactly who you are, creating a gap.
There is the truth of who you are, and then there is who you think you are supposed to be.
And the part of you that thinks you should be different than how you are right now thinks that the way to go from who you are now to who it thinks you should be is to punish and criticize the current version of you into oblivion.
Now...you may want to be different than you are now. You may want to improve yourself and experience personal evolution. Going from where you are now to where you want to be is one of the things that makes life interesting and worth living, however...
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
It doesn't exist - your harsh inner voice is making that shit up.
All there is is you as you are now and your desire to attain who you want to be.
Repeat after me:
Who you are right now is enough.*
AND
You get to be better, if you want to be.
*I would say you are perfect as you are but I already feel the eyeballs rolling so I will just stick with you are enough...for now.
If we were going to go back to the beginning of the universe (if there was a beginning) and account for every event that has ever happened, we would arrive at this moment and we would see that you could be no different than exactly what and who you are now. You simply couldn't be any other way. Once you understand that principle, you can start to relax your mind and see your internal and external landscape with clarity and without judgment.
You can use discernment to see what you like about your life and what you would prefer to be better.
And since you aren't hating on yourself, you can feel eager and empowered to grow what you like and transform what you don't like.
But the only way, and I do mean the only way to do that is with kindness and compassion toward the lifetime project that is you.
Sometimes overcoming the harsh inner voice can be really difficult without the help of a professional. If you have the opportunity, I highly recommend working with a compassionate therapist, especially if they are trained in cognitive behavioral therapy or acceptance and commitment therapy.
In the meantime, if you notice your inner voice harshing your melon, remember it is a maladaptive survival mechanism, tell it 'thank you but not helpful', send it some love, tuck it in bed with some tea and cookies, and continue about your day.
All our slightly scandalous love to you,
Sarah J. Wooten, DVM, CVJ and the Vets Against Insanity Crew 😆
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